Are you truly worth this?

Here I am, questioning the things I did over the past weekend. If you're wondering, yes, I did hurt myself. I went insane in the shower. I lost control of everything the moment the water started hitting my face. As I looked up to avoid the water from hitting my face, I could feel the emotions and everything in my mind flowing down to my heart the same way the water dripped down from my body. I had wished it was blood, I wished it was over then. I wished I wasn't still here questioning why, or was it worth it for me to hurt myself to this extent over one person? I threw multiple punches to the wall that caused me to bruise my knuckles and the pain is not stopping. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two bloodshot eyes that stared back at me; I was crying my heart out but the water from the shower disclosed that. I even went down on one knee, allowing myself to gather as much sanity as I could and asked myself, is it worth it? Is anyone at all, worth the pain of something like this? I'm still questioning it, now as I give a look at my knuckles, which is bruised and plastered. 

Was it worth it? Is anyone worthy of this pain? Why do people have so much control of our emotions? Is that all it takes, just one person to trigger someone else to do something up to this extent? Is that a weakness, or human nature? 

Sent by Anonymous

Edited by Admin

A BEAUTY I WILL NEVER GET TO HOLD.

And so it begins, the bursts of emotions re-emerging from my soul, latching back onto her precious, pure soul that I can never, will never ever be able to call mine. I thought for sure, after the rejection, that moving on from such a pain would not have taken me long to recover from, but almost six torturous months have past and my feelings for her still lurks deep within my soul. Sadly, I realized, moving on will not be easy. A beauty of which, I am forced to see five hours a day everyday in the same four walls just prolongs the difficulty to let her go. To just move on.

 And getting to text her again after months, gosh, it feels like heaven on earth. From then, gradually, the extreme struggle I faced to want to have moved on from her was abandoned. Abandoning and almost forgetting the pain her rejection have left me before. Abandoning the fact that my chances with her, however are still slim. I believe slowly, but surely, there will be progress. I convince myself this everyday, at least.

 Each day she catches me staring at her in class from time to time; my favorite moment that three seconds stare into each other's eyes, like gazing into the stars in the sky, I can't stop myself from admiring her till I smile a genuine smile, then of which she smiles—and there—my heart just can't handle that much beauty. 

 But I know—I always will know that she will never feel the same. Beads of jealousy recurs each time any guy approaches her to talk to her. To get the same amount of attention I get from her. Indeed, it is unnecessary jealousy, knowing none of them are worthy enough for her. Except this one person I truly despise the most—this particular person she is still so close with. The part I fear the most is almost feeling like she still has feelings for him.

Sent by AnonymousButHandsome D.F

Edited by Admin/Amy

HER.

i still remember the first time i saw her. her hair was red, and she was dressed in a light brown spider-man t-shirt, denim shorts with red chuck taylors. i was 17. I was about to start my first semester at school, and i had a pre-course briefing to attend. my friend was late, the heat was unforgiving and i was slightly annoyed.

she walked past me towards the gate, and our eyes met briefly. intrigued beyond belief, all i could think of was who the hell still wore high top chucks? 

deep in curious thought, my friend had finally arrived, and we walked towards the same gate.

there she was, the girl in the red high tops, seemingly lost and looking for directions. we were lost too, with the school being an endless maze of extended wings, with staircases leading up and down. my friend approached her, asking if she was going to attend the same briefing as we were.

she glanced over towards me and back to my friend, and they had a brief exchange of words. he came back to me and said that she roughly knows the way, so we could just follow her.

a few flight of stairs and a couple of turns later, we arrived at the building. she entered first, held the door just enough for my friend to catch it and we went in. i took an empty seat beside my friend, and scanned the room. it was half empty. she sat on the far corner of the room.

a lecturer came in, presented slides to us, but my attention was focused on her. i couldn't put my finger on it but there was just something about her.

two weeks into the course, my friend got to know her from a camp which i did not attend. one evening where i was staying back in school to finish up some work, my friend asked me to join his table. i took a seat and she was there, sitting opposite me. he introduced the both of us, and we slowly began to share jokes as a table.

i enjoyed the conversation we had, though i did not have much interaction with her. she had another friend with her and for the next week or so the four of us continued doing work together.

soon we started to follow each other on social media platforms, and one evening she sent me a message on twitter. she asked about a game i had on my laptop and if i could send it to her. i said sure, i'll pass it to you the next day. our conversation continued and eventually we exchanged numbers.

no, this isn't some john green shit where we hit off well and have a tumulus turn of events and end up realising we are made for each other. no, this isn't a love story. 

we talked for about three months and i liked her. i asked her out and she said yes. i was overjoyed. we ate dinner at the soup spoon, or rather, i ate and she watched me eat saying she wasn't hungry. we watched a movie. equilibrium, the movie was called. it wasn't a particularly spectacular date. it was normal. 

i fell for her. her deep red hair, her brown eyes, her red chucks which i found so ridiculous at the start. i never held her hand nor did i touch her. all i did was annoy her with my constant need for reassurance and affection for the next month or so.

naturally she became annoyed and stopped replying me. a week later she broke up with me. i couldn't deal with it. i lashed out by spending hours at the gym after seeing her flirting with a course mate who was fit and good looking. 

it doesn't seem like much but i really fell for her. it affected me so greatly that i couldn't cope and overcompensated with every other aspect of myself that i felt was lacking.

i was a skinny bastard but soon i began to put on a good build and gained confidence in myself. people started noticing me and i began to get over her.

she found a new guy, and they seemed good together. i put myself back together and things were chill. we started talking again and regained our friendship. 

soon we would move into our second year and she was in my class. soon we began to stay back in school to finish up work. of course, her boyfriend and our mutual friends would be there, rushing submissions with us. i was in a happy place, having good friends around. 

as the year went by we became close friends, and the few of us would take public transport back together as it was along the way. her boyfriend gradually became absent, and it was down to the four of us. we formed a close knit group, working, eating, smoking, laughing together. she had her boyfriend and i had a few dates here and there. 

soon the four of us became best of friends, her and i especially. we shared the same taste in music, we talked the same, joked the same.

but something was off. one day she told me that she broke up with him, and i asked her why. she said that he didn't really care about her anymore and they were fighting too frequently. being her best friend i said okay, and throughout post break up i was there for her in a capacity of a friend.

we moved on to our internship phase, and the four of us would meet almost every evening after a long day at work, for dinner and drinks to unwind, talk cock. i couldn't ask for a better group of friends, i was in a good place.

before our internship she started dating this guy. he was a friend of mine as well, and things were cool. he would join us occasionally. they didn't work out. two weeks into our internship they stopped seeing each other. 

halfway through our internship, our friends didn't meet us as frequently as usual, but she and i continued with the food hunts. we became even closer, to a point where we would know what we were gonna say before we even said it.

towards the end of our internship she told me she likes me. and so did i. so yeah, we got together and i asked if she would like to go out with me. we started dating again and god, it felt so right. 

have you ever felt this feeling, this feeling you can't explain that's deep inside of you, bursting every blood vessel, vein and artery in your body with emotion? all i could feel was happiness and i shit you not, pure joy. it was truly a rush i have never had before, it took over my entire body. 

it felt like i was perpetually high on drugs 24/7, and all i had in my mind was her. i couldn't concentrate at work, i couldn't wait for 6pm every day to squeeze with the peak hour crowd, travel halfway down the island just to meet her. when i see her my heart would beat so quickly i thought it would stop, when i see her i feel numb all over my body, when i see her blood rushes to my brain so quickly i felt like i was going to faint. 

when i held her hand for the first time i held it so tightly my knuckles turned white. when i hugged her my body felt as if it were about to melt into my clothing. when i kissed her i felt like time just stopped in that instance and that everything was waiting for us.

everything about her was perfect.

when she laughs so hard her empty pre molar shows. when she takes a drag on her cigarette her lips curl in like disturbed mimosa. the way she shifts the side of her cheek to the front of her teeth to bite the walls of her cheek when she looks at her phone. 

the long walk we took to her condo when i send her home, the hug so tight she would give me before she enters the gate. the future we always talked about, where we would eventually want to go, where we would be. i have never felt so complete in my life.

i was 19. and i knew. she was the one.

but like i said, this isn't some john green movie screen bullshit. things don't work that way.

she left. i cried. so fucking much. do you know what it's like to wake up, with your pillow still soggy from the tears from last night? yeah. that was me. 

she left. i was lost. a fucking wreck. i had no clue on what to do next. have you ever felt an immense tightness in your chest that suffocates the air from you, leaving you gasping and choking? no you don't. i do. every single damn day. and i'm not even exaggerating. panic attacks from my childhood revisited me, almost every night. i read the last farewell text she sent me over a thousand times. scrutinising every word, every comma, every fullstop. yet i still could not make any sense of why.

why she left, why she chose to leave when she said that she loved me first. that sentence i would never forget.

we never really talked after that. she said we'd still be friends.

i was 20. i thought i got over her. i picked myself up, and my conscript letter came. time to serve the nation. i did rather well, so many things happening everyday. i didn't think of her any more. i slowly began to move on. i started smiling, laughing. made good friends, went on dates. hey, i thought to myself. i think i've fixed myself.

good things must come to an end, good things always do. i picked myself up, created respectable achievements for myself. she went on to live her life, working, doing what she loves. 

but i realise that it comes in waves. and you don't see it till it hits you. when you least expect it. it just comes. maybe i lied to myself when i said i moved on. truth is, i'm still stuck.

stuck with that bittersweet memorabilia. the girl who left. 

i'm 21 now. i still squeeze with the peak hour crowd at 6pm, travel halfway down the island, only to go home. and all i have is a memory of a better time.

Sent by Anonymous J

CAPTIVE

i can't figure the purpose of me here

at night they get louder and louder

and sometimes i wonder whether it's just me making it all up

what if they are no voices, but only empty spaces?

so vacant that i have to fill it with self-inflicted misery?

what if it's just me seeking attention from the lack of concern towards me?

sometimes it's pandemonium all around,

like everyone screaming and running in great chaos all the time,

then sometimes it's so silent

so silent that i fear another destructive wave might hit next

but how do I explain this to anyone without getting ridiculed?

'get over it', something they always say

if one day,

the voices, the pain, and the loneliness mercilessly catch up to me

as i surrender to the black abyss for once

—pull the trigger,

find myself in peace as the whole world blacks out

buried six feet underground

please, 'get over it'

Written for N

INTROVERTED

I am fairly quiet not because I fear interaction.
I am quiet because I am observing you,
figuring your hidden intents.

Do not take my silence as fear,
when I am only deciding whether
you are worthy enough to be a person
significant in my life.

I only fear wasting my time on someone new,
opening up and trusting 
the wrong person
yet again.

FADE

isn't it scary just how

love can be so easily found

retrieved

and kept just by online statuses?

the ease of its arrival

have made its indulgent

wake up day by day

feeling paranoid 

does he still loves me?

does she still loves me?

so afraid

the love raised on screen

would fade as easily

overnight 

WHAT IF.

my mind never stops thinking

it never stops churning out questions both you and i know nobody has answer for,

it never stops wondering.

"what if".

a rhetorical question nobody has an absolute answer for.

a question that sets everybody thinking.

a question that explores the depth of mankind.

a question that questions the existence of everything.

what if feelings didn't exist? how does it feel like?

what if distance didn't exist? would i be hurting less now?

what if lies didn't exist? could i finally hear what you have always wanted to tell me?

what if emotions are a virus, a disease meant to kill from inside out? i'd be a zombie by now.

what if you didn't exist? who would i be?

what if things haven't turned out to be this way? would we still be walking around town, hand in hand?

but what really sets me thinking is,

what if i didn't love you? who would you be?

and what if you loved me the way you said you did?

what if you were able to let go of that particular girl, 

and not let her haunt your dreams and every waking moment with memories you two shared, 

not let her remind you her presence at every single place you two had went to,

not let her pull you apart from inside?

what if we never met at all.

what if we just walk past each other in the middle of the crowd on the streets, you with your favourite full black outfit and your hideous looking bag that came with your game and me with my signature outfit?

what if we never knew each other's existence and that i never knew someone like you existed?

i would love to know how it feels to finally not hurt someday.

Sent by Jolene 

MY ALMOST-LOVE

I remember how we first met. It felt like walking into an enchanted park with pretty, pink and pale cherry blossom trees. The ambiance resembled of a love fantasy or sort. It was so bizarre, almost extremely dream-like. In fact, there are moments I feel that all that has happened between us occurred only as a dream. A dream I keep reliving, a dream that's changed me as a whole. I can no longer see the world as I used to, the numerous men that have swung by my life have only proven the monstrous impact you've laid on me. It felt like what we had was a summer fling, as much as I hate to admit it. I wasn't sure whether what I felt for you was love or mere infatuation. We never had any proper closure, and maybe that's why you keep haunting me. Even in my reality — even in my dreams. 

It was summer when we first met. I was a student in an exchange program. I was so young, so delighted and so naive. I flew miles away from my homeland, ventured from Singapore all the way to South Korea. Our love almost seemed so carefully scripted, like those cliche, romance dramas you watch on TV. Initially it appeared to be that way. I still remember how you bold you were, to want to hold my hands. How you presented me a bouquet of flowers — fresh, as fresh as this first love I experienced with you, in front of the entire cohort of students. You made me feel something I've never experienced. For once in my life, I felt that someone accepted me for all the flaws I possessed. It was surreal. Everything felt so dreamy and I was in a constant state of delusion, to think you truly loved me, until — until I returned to Singapore. 

You deleted your Facebook, the only platform for us to converse. You vanished without any note. I was so lost, so stunned. For awhile then, my world was enveloped with confusion and this constant nagging to know why. What wrong have I done till you believed I didn't even deserve any notice or any reasonable explanations? Was it because of our cultural differences? Our communication? Maybe it was, maybe that was why we ended. I so badly wanted to find you, to ask you, to make you explain what went so wrong with us. But I was terribly fearful. I never mustered enough guts to do what my heart urged me to do. It felt like finding a needle in a haystack. And even if I did find the needle, I was afraid that one hurtful prick from it would pain me more than the drop of blood I'd bleed. I kept checking on you, and one day I found out you made a new account, but never added me. I was so appalled, and my heart broke into two. Why would you do such a thing, I thought. I was only 19, and yet my first love has pained me more than I've expected.
 I still check on you to see how you're doing now.

I am older now, and I have met many kinds of man ever since. Somewhere deep within me still hope for you to come back. I fail to find any man who satisfies me emotionally as much as you did. In every shadow of the other men I've met, I still hope to see traces of you within them. And I find none. None at all. I am told by my friends that perhaps I am too fussy, perhaps I should just drop this infinite hope and deep longing I harbour for you. Because of you, I've wasted no time with other men I saw no progress with. The need to find you in those men I've met have only made me ghost from them halfway, like you did. Just like you did. Poof, vanished. This, I did not even realize until my friend questioned me of my frequent rejections after getting to know those men halfway. 

It was only a month back, when I met this boy on this dating app. This boy, this man who I feel, is the male doppelganger of me. I saw everything I yearned in a man in him. The connection we shared with each other was as surreal — it was amazing how much we connected. Like the constellations of the stars, joined together to reveal such a masterpiece. I felt that with you. I felt extremely great and empowered with you. You were like a musical box, the moment I opened the lid your stories flowed and I ached for you. The stories you have shared. You told me you were cheated of a 5 years relationship, and how it resulted you to be so clinically depressed. How, today, you still suffer from insomnia. How you keep awake all night battling your inner demons. My heart ached to be of security and comfort for you, even when my own heart still creaked from the past romance I had. You were different, so very different from all the other man I've met online. I remember how much I love how we could talk for hours and hours about everything and anything because we were so, very alike. It was getting dreamy again, as I thought about how I was finally able to open up to a person I could envision a future with. I was surrounded with the music that you played, those beautiful notes plucked from your circuit. How at home I felt around you. I was happy, I was overjoyed.

But just had to, you just had to leave. Just like how my dreamy Korean soulmate did, just like how I've abandoned my other contacts. You left me in drapes of pain and extreme disappointment. 

The music stopped playing since you left. The beautiful sounds, the cheery notes I anticipated for each day stopped. But I am still reminded of you from the songs played on the radio, even though you're no longer here. Even though you no longer play for me. It has been awhile, but now, I wish for your return more than I wish for my Korean boy to return. I have missed you each day since you ghosted from my life, leaving me cold and lost once more. And yet that hasn't stopped me from wishing, deep down that we'd cross paths again in the future. 

Second thoughts have held me at wondering whether it's karma? For me to be deserted by those I cherish, like how I've forsaken the rest of the men I crossed path with. Or am I just plain unlucky? I feel like I've never felt true love. But I still believe in God and His plans, for I know He knows better and what's truly best for me. I believe that one day, a man will stop at my direction and for once, will be the one I'm meant to share my life with. I wouldn't need to try hard to impress myself to fit into another person's liking. I shall be myself and promise to never settle for anything less just for the sake of having another shot at genuine love. Or just for the sake of being in a relationship again. 

 I don't know how love is, but I choose to wait and let God do His wonders on me.

Written for Anonymous, A.S

'S'

Your words still give me jitters in the silly place. Your dumb wit face is still stuck in my head. If it’s meant to be between us, we will cross paths. It may take years or never, but I believe in God’s plans. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

I may sound stupid for still wanting to hold on to something that may not likely to happen at all. But the things that happened between us, seems so scripted, making it hard for me to get over it. I may or may not cross path with you in the near future, but from meeting you did I know, that there will be someone whom I can truly be myself with and need not pretend or impress. Even though it was short, thank you for teaching me that I don’t need to be someone that I am not, that I unconsciously love to make people smile and that for everything that we do, should we have God in our heart. Singapore isn’t a big place and you may not feel what I am feeling about you. But I believe that whatever it is, God has His reason to allow us to cross paths.

Things may be difficult on your side and I hope that the intake for your prescriptions has been lowered down. I pray that you will be able to sleep at night and your insomnia won’t get the best out of you. I also wish that your devotion to Allah s.w.t will remain strong like it always has and may that be a learning point for me. I hope that you do your prayers religiously like you always have and read the news right early in the morning like a routine. I hope that you won’t be very choosy with your food anymore and continue to eat well, sweet pie.

Sent by Anonymous, A.S

COLOURS

missing you is blue.

like the top i'm wearing, 

the pen i'm holding,

the book i'm reading and 

the ink i'm using.

a blue that i can't describe whether is it pleasant-looking or awfully twisted.

a blue that i can't even describe its hues.

is it more of yellowish? or greenish? 

is it more of vibrant? or muted?

i can't describe. but i feel it. and i see it.

it looks ugly at first. hideous, even.

a colour you want to hide behind the darkest corner in your closet.

a colour you feel repulsed to even look at.

a colour that no artist would use in their work.

a colour that everyone overlooks.

this blue shows my weakness. 

my weakness that i crave you in so many ways i can't put it into words and you would never understand. 

my weakness that whenever i look at you,  my pupils dilate and i smile so wide my face looks like it's going to split into two.

my weakness that no matter how you try to push me away but i keep coming back.

and i try, and try, and try, and try, to convince myself this colour is part of me.

then it looks beautiful.

a colour nobody wants to look at, except me.

a colour nobody wants to use, except me.

a colour nobody understands more than me.

a colour that speaks volume of how much of my love for you it contains that nobody can hear.

i miss you.

i miss your eyes. 

those eyes that crinkle at the corners when you smile whenever i do something silly.

those eyes that told me so much about you that you yourself will never even mention about to me.

those eyes that are like an abyss, a whirlpool, a black hole—whatever you call it that sucks someone in entirely—and that i never want to stop falling.

those eyes that i look into and i know i'm home.

i miss your smile. 

the smile so wide that only i got the privilege of seeing. 

the smile that makes my rotten day bloom like beautiful sunflowers whenever i see it.

the smile that makes me smile even when you aren't even in front of me. (like now)

the smile that even the sun tells me he is envious that someone is shining brighter than he is.

i miss your lips.

the lips i always lean forward to peck ever so gently involunteerily—on the escalator, in the cinema, in the lift, by the stairs, in the queue, everywhere just because i can never get enough of you.

the lips that are always so gentle against my skin.

the lips that i don't mind kissing all day.

i miss your voice.

the voice that i wake up automatically to when i doze off on your shoulder in the mrt.

the voice that makes my day whenever you call.

the voice that i am oh-so-familiar with.

the one and only voice i want to associate with home.

i miss you. i really do. i miss the colours you inject into my life when you hug me, when you touch me, when you talk to me, when you laugh at me.

you said, "my life was black and white and when you hug me, i see colours." but now you are the one stripping me of my colours.

come back to me, my rainbow. 

your existence in my life is the best worst thing that ever happened to me. 

the colours you brought me were so vibrant no words can describe. 

i don't like how you are stretching the rainbow like a rubber band now. waiting for it to snap. waiting for me to leave.

come back. bring the colours you took away with you back to me.

i miss you, my number wan. i do.

Sent by Jolene 

STORY ABOUT MY LIFE

"i love you, take care!"
i felt her lips leaving mine and her arms unclasping from my waist—
it was the usual for us, a routine each time before we go 

i watched her tap her ezlink-card and walked the opposite direction 
that girl, she drives me nuts, and yet she loves me almost as much as my mother does 

ah yes—my mother, the most loving and understanding person in my eyes 
i am no rich man's son, but I sure am the product of two meritorious people who have showered me with unconditional love and support over the years

i'd consider myself lucky—to be granted my family, her, and great friends with humor that makes life a tad bit bearable 

but I still can't shake this feeling off me
it almost feels like it's latched on me for so long 

the sadness I feel, it feels so relentless,

and i don't know how, or i just can't seem make it go away

 my world is crumbling as each day passes,

and i'm doing nothing but watch it fall apart 

my reality is coming at pace so quick— 
the grave realization that I've to put myself first is now more crucial than ever

my life, as of now, mostly seems to be spiraling downwards
i seem to enjoy the darkest of night skies, perhaps because  it corresponds to that of my 
reality— faint of hope, brimmed with gloominess

the night sky is dark, and i reckon, is as dark as the coming days

how ironic it is, to be serving the nation — saving a country? 
i could barely save myself from my own demise 

sometimes it just gets too much for me to bear,

but i truly hate to worry any of those i love

life's a bag of kicks and pins, meant to bury me underground
the heavier the baggage of burden life gives me, the higher the desire to escape and hide forever 

but i know— i know that the more i run,

the faster they'll catch up to me 

looking at the way my life is going, i feel ever so strongly that my future is painted bleak 

Written for Anonymous, A.H

JENGA TOWERS

taking care of myself is like playing a tower of Jenga,

I give so many people several parts of me,

but the more they take,

the more I topple to the ground,

the more I have to keep rebuilding myself

— just to give myself away again.

Written by A

THE HEART'S ODYSSEY

the heart's odyssey is like a ship's voyage

during heavy storms, the ship fights to remain virtuous, similarly, the heart struggles to remain collected 

— the heavy storms, metaphoric for a lover's tormenting love 

the storms are terrible, they are malicious, merciless and a colossal menace 

the sea, once a friend, becomes a foe

like a lover, once loved, now deeply agonized 

the voyage continues to go across dauntlessly

the heart's odyssey battles to stay intact to go across the sea 

corny, like a lover would heave, "I'd cross oceans for you" 

yet it is all too alike 

no matter the determination, if the opposing force remains its brutality, it will all be sheer wreckage 

the ship will be tossed and broken

the heart will be tossed and mutilated 

both gasping for air to breathe with the intent to live to see another day

but the sea only commands a final wave of destruction

just like how a lover would send a multitude of

knives 

to the heart 

until it can no longer bear to endure 

all will break 

the mighty ship will drown 

the surrendered heart will sink into the bottomless pit 

of nothing —

but excruciating pain

and endless torture 

Written by A 

WORDS: THE MOST BRUTAL WEAPON OF ALL

You've felt that too, haven't you? The laden weight a person can leave you emotionally. How his or her words have knocked you off your hinges of sanity. 

Before this you'd never have known how much words could hurt. I understood it then, how stinging a tongue lash could be to the heart — one even more severe than the stinging a swarm of wasps could deliver.

Those words that left his mouth, from that same lips you've always yearned to taste — has become so haunting to you. That mental torture that lingers in your head you just can't rid off. 

How did she, someone you expected to be different than the rest, spiked you the same way? Who started off with words that soothed your emotional ache, and then words that serve to only poison you eternally? 

Because believe me, you're not the only person who's gone through that. I have, too.

 Written for Anonymous  

DEVOID OF HOPE

i'm far away from home as each day passes,

it feels like days are long fractions of time i can't wait to end

the night sky is a beau — but it beckons of broken dreams and hope for anew

the sun never rose in my world

any glimmer nor ray, perpetually absent from sight

each passing second a torment — the further i sail away from home

hope, my friend, is a prison for all

Written by A

TO THE BOY I USED TO ADORE.

i hope you find someone — who is not me, no doubt — who fits in your description of your dream girl: someone who dresses like hayley williams, someone who is quirky.

you're a space nerd, you love the space, the solar system, everything. i hope you find someone who loves them as much and can keep you talking about it, for you are someone who doesn't talk a lot. when she does that, you know she's the one.

i hope you find someone — who, hopefully, isn't like me — clingy, overly attached and needy. you said it yourself that needy behaviour is a huge turn off. 

i hope you find someone who don't mind sitting down with you for hours, listen to you talk about your past, your family, your mental illness and your ex-girlfriends. someone who wouldn't judge you no matter what you tell her, someone who understands your pain.

i hope you find someone who would bring you to east coast to grab the stingray you like on my behalf, for i'm unable to do so. someone who can deal with your weird and sudden cravings, like unagi pineapple rice at 12am.

i hope you find someone who supports your ambition, no matter how crazy it sounds at first because she knows you can do it if you put your heart to it.

i hope you find someone who knows you love gaming and would do nothing to stop you from doing so. 

i hope you find someone who would be there when you need a bigass hug or an insanely innocent cuddle. someone who knows you can sleep through a movie or anything with bright lights and noise because you feel safer this way.

i hope you find someone who would — like me — remind you to stay hydrated, eat your meals, sleep early, drink lesser at zouk or luxi (because it's bad for your liver) and smoke less as well though you can't wait to die. someone who don't mind sounding naggy or like your mom friend just because it's good for you. someone who would turn your negativity to positivity, changing your perspective on life.

i hope you find someone who knows you are facinated by all sorts of stuff. someone who finds your knowledge amazing.

i hope you find someone whom you can spend your april 12's with instead of letting you stay at home and sleep your birthday away. someone who constantly reminds you of how important you are to her. someone who reminds you that you look pretty good in anything, so you don't feel self-conscious.

i hope you find someone who don't mind staring at you  doing nothing all day and still find you pretty amazing. someone who would stare at you with such intensity when you talk because the way you talk makes even the worst student in class want to listen.

i hope you find someone who knows not to play jess glynne when you come home drunk, because she knows you'll start drunk crying. and it definitely would be something that would break her heart.

i hope you find someone who would remember not to buy beer for you because you dislike it. or coffee. you don't drink coffee. because you dislike the taste since young.

i hope you find someone who knows what you are looking for just by looking at what you look at and would help keep a look out for you too. for now, you're looking for a bomber jacket that goes with the ridiculous pants your friends pressurized you to buy which you have no idea how you got into buying it. you also just lost your cap at home, which i have no idea how, but you're looking for it too. someone who knows you only dress in dark colours so she wouldn't buy shirt of hideous colour schemes.

i hope you find someone who loves dogs as much as you do and knows that you don't want to get attached to those at your dad's side because you don't know when they will leave you.

i just hope you find someone who fits you like a puzzle. someone who understands you, someone who loves you wholeheartedly even though you had already forgotten how was it like to be loved.

Sent by The Lolene, 12:53AM