Thursday, 22 February 2018

To my ex

I would have died for you. I loved you till my heart broke. I loved like I knew no boundaries. 
I loved you even as you broke my heart time and time again. I felt so much for you. I gave you so much to remember. I gave you so many chances. I loved you wholeheartedly. I loved you and I never felt a love so painful and taxing.
I loved you till I couldn't breathe another moment.

But all I have given you was never enough for you. I kept one thing dignified, I did all I could not to let you have it. It landed us in occasional fights. You said I wasn't enough. You said I didn't loved you enough. You said I was selfish. You said you were better off without me. You said you regretted having us. You called me names, you tossed me aside, you disrespected my time, you abandoned me many nights I needed you, you were many violent thoughts in my head. You took me for granted. You thought I would always be there.

And yet I still forgave you, just like the other times you forgave me for needing too much reassurance, for needing your attention and support, for pushing you too hard into thinking about and for the future, for jumping too fast into conclusions, and for crying a lot too many nights and resorting to harming myself each time you let my heart down.

I have swore many times that you will remember me, that nobody will put up with you and love you as much as I have when you had nothing. I told you nobody can surpass all my sacrifices for you over the years we were together. I told you nobody was going to treat you so right like I have.
But I wasn't right for you. You told me you needn't all the luxuries I brought you. You said all you needed was that one same thing and you will be so happy.
That one same thing I couldn't give.
The one same thing that broke you apart--that broke us apart in the end.
The one same thing that remained our downfall.

If you truly loved me, you would have waited. You wouldn't love me halfheartedly. You wouldn't have left me so many times I needed you. You wouldn't have allowed me to chase you more than you did for me. You wouldn't have insulted me so many times. You would have remained as loving, patient, mature and caring as you are on your good days. You wouldn't have allowed your selfish desires and insecurities get the worst out of you. You would have looked forward to having my hand in marriage. You would have defended my name in my absence. You would have, but you did not.

Still I loved you and I carried the heaviest of hearts the night I let you go.
I hoped you were going to finally realize what you had now that she's gone. I allowed you to grief and beg for me to return. You tried convincing me of such and such, how you'd treat me like a true princess and whatnot. I let you spend a little more time with me so you wouldn't miss me too much afterwards. I would be lying if I said I had stopped loving you then. I saw all your efforts. I saw how hard you were trying to win my heart back. But I knew better to know those were transient. You have had done the same when we had our first official break up too. That day I looked you dead in the eye when you asked whether I still loved you. That night I gave in just because you cried your eyes out.

How silly of it to think that I was suddenly responsible in mending your heart for all the harsh things I have said to you when we first broke up. I called you stupid. I said you'll never be as good as me. I insulted you and your friends and your lifestyles. I said we are not meant to be because our lifestyles clashed with each other too much. We were from two different worlds. I said I stooped down for you. You flipped the table and I was at your beck and call.
I took it all in and treated you much better to compensate for it all. I cooked for you, I fetched you back and forth home and work, I spent many nights with you, extended long hours with you even when I had other important commitments. I put your needs way ahead of mine. 

Then suddenly I had to take care of your addiction to this substance you depended on during our break up. I had to put up with all the verbal abuse. I had to put up with all your bad days and bipolar emotions. I had to apologize too many times even when I wasn't in the wrong. I had to give you too many parts of me that I felt were going to be extinct.

When the good was good, it was extremely good. Same for the bad moments. We had too many extreme highs and lows. We weren't ever consistent. My love for you was always, easily seen to surpass yours. Despite whatever your friends have advised you to treat me better, it fell on deaf ears.
You weren't ready for me. You weren't ready for us.

It took me long enough to truly forgive you. I was bitter. I hated you to bits.
I hated every part of you. I spat on all your friends who were just a flock of sheep. 
Today I'm better. I'm over you. You left me full of scars, but also many learning experiences.  I had to keep rebuilding myself up from scratch from all you've taken from me. You taught me to love myself a little more, believed in myself a little more, my independence, my reduced naivety and the need to reserve my love for those I truly deem worth it. Someone who isn't halfway out the door, someone who takes me serious, someone who sees an actual future with me, someone who truly appreciates me as a whole and truly know how much of a gem I am in actuality. You taught me my true worth. 
Thank you, and no thanks to you too.

I hope someone better comes along and pick it up from where I left.
I hope you've learned your lesson. 
I hope you're better now.

Almost Relationship

The Almost Relationship

He held my hand,
Remembering the softness of hers
He kissed me on the cheeks,
Wishing he could've given her that instead
His lips met mine,
He starts missing the taste of his lover
He held me in his embrace,
Looking for her warmth instead of mine
He looked me in the eyes,
Finding parts of her in them
He brushed my hair aside,
Remembering how he used to do the same for her

But I am not her.
I am not that person.
I am not that girl.
I am not the one he loves.
I am only a shadow he sees past instead of through.
I could never be her.

So I left,
with all the love I could have given that he yearns
from her,
but never from me.

Monday, 1 May 2017

Are you truly worth this?

Here I am, questioning the things I did over the past weekend. If you're wondering, yes, I did hurt myself. I went insane in the shower. I lost control of everything the moment the water started hitting my face. As I looked up to avoid the water from hitting my face, I could feel the emotions and everything in my mind flowing down to my heart the same way the water dripped down from my body. I had wished it was blood, I wished it was over then. I wished I wasn't still here questioning why, or was it worth it for me to hurt myself to this extent over one person? I threw multiple punches to the wall that caused me to bruise my knuckles and the pain is not stopping. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two bloodshot eyes that stared back at me; I was crying my heart out but the water from the shower disclosed that. I even went down on one knee, allowing myself to gather as much sanity as I could and asked myself, is it worth it? Is anyone at all, worth the pain of something like this? I'm still questioning it, now as I give a look at my knuckles, which is bruised and plastered. 

Was it worth it? Is anyone worthy of this pain? Why do people have so much control of our emotions? Is that all it takes, just one person to trigger someone else to do something up to this extent? Is that a weakness, or human nature? 

Sent by Anonymous
Edited by Admin

Wednesday, 8 March 2017


And so it begins, the bursts of emotions re-emerging from my soul, latching back onto her precious, pure soul that I can never, will never ever be able to call mine. I thought for sure, after the rejection, that moving on from such a pain would not have taken me long to recover from, but almost six torturous months have past and my feelings for her still lurks deep within my soul. Sadly, I realized, moving on will not be easy. A beauty of which, I am forced to see five hours a day everyday in the same four walls just prolongs the difficulty to let her go. To just move on.

 And getting to text her again after months, gosh, it feels like heaven on earth. From then, gradually, the extreme struggle I faced to want to have moved on from her was abandoned. Abandoning and almost forgetting the pain her rejection have left me before. Abandoning the fact that my chances with her, however are still slim. I believe slowly, but surely, there will be progress. I convince myself this everyday, at least.

 Each day she catches me staring at her in class from time to time; my favorite moment that three seconds stare into each other's eyes, like gazing into the stars in the sky, I can't stop myself from admiring her till I smile a genuine smile, then of which she smiles—and there—my heart just can't handle that much beauty. 

 But I know—I always will know that she will never feel the same. Beads of jealousy recurs each time any guy approaches her to talk to her. To get the same amount of attention I get from her. Indeed, it is unnecessary jealousy, knowing none of them are worthy enough for her. Except this one person I truly despise the most—this particular person she is still so close with. The part I fear the most is almost feeling like she still has feelings for him.

Sent by AnonymousButHandsome D.F
Edited by Admin/Amy

Monday, 6 March 2017


i still remember the first time i saw her. her hair was red, and she was dressed in a light brown spider-man t-shirt, denim shorts with red chuck taylors. i was 17. I was about to start my first semester at school, and i had a pre-course briefing to attend. my friend was late, the heat was unforgiving and i was slightly annoyed.

she walked past me towards the gate, and our eyes met briefly. intrigued beyond belief, all i could think of was who the hell still wore high top chucks? 

deep in curious thought, my friend had finally arrived, and we walked towards the same gate.

there she was, the girl in the red high tops, seemingly lost and looking for directions. we were lost too, with the school being an endless maze of extended wings, with staircases leading up and down. my friend approached her, asking if she was going to attend the same briefing as we were.

she glanced over towards me and back to my friend, and they had a brief exchange of words. he came back to me and said that she roughly knows the way, so we could just follow her.

a few flight of stairs and a couple of turns later, we arrived at the building. she entered first, held the door just enough for my friend to catch it and we went in. i took an empty seat beside my friend, and scanned the room. it was half empty. she sat on the far corner of the room.

a lecturer came in, presented slides to us, but my attention was focused on her. i couldn't put my finger on it but there was just something about her.

two weeks into the course, my friend got to know her from a camp which i did not attend. one evening where i was staying back in school to finish up some work, my friend asked me to join his table. i took a seat and she was there, sitting opposite me. he introduced the both of us, and we slowly began to share jokes as a table.

i enjoyed the conversation we had, though i did not have much interaction with her. she had another friend with her and for the next week or so the four of us continued doing work together.

soon we started to follow each other on social media platforms, and one evening she sent me a message on twitter. she asked about a game i had on my laptop and if i could send it to her. i said sure, i'll pass it to you the next day. our conversation continued and eventually we exchanged numbers.

no, this isn't some john green shit where we hit off well and have a tumulus turn of events and end up realising we are made for each other. no, this isn't a love story. 

we talked for about three months and i liked her. i asked her out and she said yes. i was overjoyed. we ate dinner at the soup spoon, or rather, i ate and she watched me eat saying she wasn't hungry. we watched a movie. equilibrium, the movie was called. it wasn't a particularly spectacular date. it was normal. 

i fell for her. her deep red hair, her brown eyes, her red chucks which i found so ridiculous at the start. i never held her hand nor did i touch her. all i did was annoy her with my constant need for reassurance and affection for the next month or so.

naturally she became annoyed and stopped replying me. a week later she broke up with me. i couldn't deal with it. i lashed out by spending hours at the gym after seeing her flirting with a course mate who was fit and good looking. 

it doesn't seem like much but i really fell for her. it affected me so greatly that i couldn't cope and overcompensated with every other aspect of myself that i felt was lacking.

i was a skinny bastard but soon i began to put on a good build and gained confidence in myself. people started noticing me and i began to get over her.

she found a new guy, and they seemed good together. i put myself back together and things were chill. we started talking again and regained our friendship. 

soon we would move into our second year and she was in my class. soon we began to stay back in school to finish up work. of course, her boyfriend and our mutual friends would be there, rushing submissions with us. i was in a happy place, having good friends around. 

as the year went by we became close friends, and the few of us would take public transport back together as it was along the way. her boyfriend gradually became absent, and it was down to the four of us. we formed a close knit group, working, eating, smoking, laughing together. she had her boyfriend and i had a few dates here and there. 

soon the four of us became best of friends, her and i especially. we shared the same taste in music, we talked the same, joked the same.

but something was off. one day she told me that she broke up with him, and i asked her why. she said that he didn't really care about her anymore and they were fighting too frequently. being her best friend i said okay, and throughout post break up i was there for her in a capacity of a friend.

we moved on to our internship phase, and the four of us would meet almost every evening after a long day at work, for dinner and drinks to unwind, talk cock. i couldn't ask for a better group of friends, i was in a good place.

before our internship she started dating this guy. he was a friend of mine as well, and things were cool. he would join us occasionally. they didn't work out. two weeks into our internship they stopped seeing each other. 

halfway through our internship, our friends didn't meet us as frequently as usual, but she and i continued with the food hunts. we became even closer, to a point where we would know what we were gonna say before we even said it.

towards the end of our internship she told me she likes me. and so did i. so yeah, we got together and i asked if she would like to go out with me. we started dating again and god, it felt so right. 

have you ever felt this feeling, this feeling you can't explain that's deep inside of you, bursting every blood vessel, vein and artery in your body with emotion? all i could feel was happiness and i shit you not, pure joy. it was truly a rush i have never had before, it took over my entire body. 

it felt like i was perpetually high on drugs 24/7, and all i had in my mind was her. i couldn't concentrate at work, i couldn't wait for 6pm every day to squeeze with the peak hour crowd, travel halfway down the island just to meet her. when i see her my heart would beat so quickly i thought it would stop, when i see her i feel numb all over my body, when i see her blood rushes to my brain so quickly i felt like i was going to faint. 

when i held her hand for the first time i held it so tightly my knuckles turned white. when i hugged her my body felt as if it were about to melt into my clothing. when i kissed her i felt like time just stopped in that instance and that everything was waiting for us.

everything about her was perfect.

when she laughs so hard her empty pre molar shows. when she takes a drag on her cigarette her lips curl in like disturbed mimosa. the way she shifts the side of her cheek to the front of her teeth to bite the walls of her cheek when she looks at her phone. 

the long walk we took to her condo when i send her home, the hug so tight she would give me before she enters the gate. the future we always talked about, where we would eventually want to go, where we would be. i have never felt so complete in my life.

i was 19. and i knew. she was the one.

but like i said, this isn't some john green movie screen bullshit. things don't work that way.

she left. i cried. so fucking much. do you know what it's like to wake up, with your pillow still soggy from the tears from last night? yeah. that was me. 

she left. i was lost. a fucking wreck. i had no clue on what to do next. have you ever felt an immense tightness in your chest that suffocates the air from you, leaving you gasping and choking? no you don't. i do. every single damn day. and i'm not even exaggerating. panic attacks from my childhood revisited me, almost every night. i read the last farewell text she sent me over a thousand times. scrutinising every word, every comma, every fullstop. yet i still could not make any sense of why.

why she left, why she chose to leave when she said that she loved me first. that sentence i would never forget.

we never really talked after that. she said we'd still be friends.

i was 20. i thought i got over her. i picked myself up, and my conscript letter came. time to serve the nation. i did rather well, so many things happening everyday. i didn't think of her any more. i slowly began to move on. i started smiling, laughing. made good friends, went on dates. hey, i thought to myself. i think i've fixed myself.

good things must come to an end, good things always do. i picked myself up, created respectable achievements for myself. she went on to live her life, working, doing what she loves. 

but i realise that it comes in waves. and you don't see it till it hits you. when you least expect it. it just comes. maybe i lied to myself when i said i moved on. truth is, i'm still stuck.

stuck with that bittersweet memorabilia. the girl who left. 

i'm 21 now. i still squeeze with the peak hour crowd at 6pm, travel halfway down the island, only to go home. and all i have is a memory of a better time.

Sent by Anonymous J


i can't figure the purpose of me here
at night they get louder and louder
and sometimes i wonder whether it's just me making it all up

what if they are no voices, but only empty spaces?
so vacant that i have to fill it with self-inflicted misery?
what if it's just me seeking attention from the lack of concern towards me?

sometimes it's pandemonium all around,
like everyone screaming and running in great chaos all the time,
then sometimes it's so silent
so silent that i fear another destructive wave might hit next

but how do I explain this to anyone without getting ridiculed?
'get over it', something they always say

if one day,
the voices, the pain, and the loneliness mercilessly catch up to me
as i surrender to the black abyss for once
—pull the trigger,
find myself in peace as the whole world blacks out
buried six feet underground

please, 'get over it'

Written for N


I am fairly quiet not because I fear interaction.
I am quiet because I am observing you,
figuring your hidden intents.

Do not take my silence as fear,

when I am only deciding whether
you are worthy enough to be a person
significant in my life.

I only fear wasting my time on someone new,

opening up and trusting 
the wrong person
yet again.