MY ALMOST-LOVE

I remember how we first met. It felt like walking into an enchanted park with pretty, pink and pale cherry blossom trees. The ambiance resembled of a love fantasy or sort. It was so bizarre, almost extremely dream-like. In fact, there are moments I feel that all that has happened between us occurred only as a dream. A dream I keep reliving, a dream that's changed me as a whole. I can no longer see the world as I used to, the numerous men that have swung by my life have only proven the monstrous impact you've laid on me. It felt like what we had was a summer fling, as much as I hate to admit it. I wasn't sure whether what I felt for you was love or mere infatuation. We never had any proper closure, and maybe that's why you keep haunting me. Even in my reality — even in my dreams. 

It was summer when we first met. I was a student in an exchange program. I was so young, so delighted and so naive. I flew miles away from my homeland, ventured from Singapore all the way to South Korea. Our love almost seemed so carefully scripted, like those cliche, romance dramas you watch on TV. Initially it appeared to be that way. I still remember how you bold you were, to want to hold my hands. How you presented me a bouquet of flowers — fresh, as fresh as this first love I experienced with you, in front of the entire cohort of students. You made me feel something I've never experienced. For once in my life, I felt that someone accepted me for all the flaws I possessed. It was surreal. Everything felt so dreamy and I was in a constant state of delusion, to think you truly loved me, until — until I returned to Singapore. 

You deleted your Facebook, the only platform for us to converse. You vanished without any note. I was so lost, so stunned. For awhile then, my world was enveloped with confusion and this constant nagging to know why. What wrong have I done till you believed I didn't even deserve any notice or any reasonable explanations? Was it because of our cultural differences? Our communication? Maybe it was, maybe that was why we ended. I so badly wanted to find you, to ask you, to make you explain what went so wrong with us. But I was terribly fearful. I never mustered enough guts to do what my heart urged me to do. It felt like finding a needle in a haystack. And even if I did find the needle, I was afraid that one hurtful prick from it would pain me more than the drop of blood I'd bleed. I kept checking on you, and one day I found out you made a new account, but never added me. I was so appalled, and my heart broke into two. Why would you do such a thing, I thought. I was only 19, and yet my first love has pained me more than I've expected.
 I still check on you to see how you're doing now.

I am older now, and I have met many kinds of man ever since. Somewhere deep within me still hope for you to come back. I fail to find any man who satisfies me emotionally as much as you did. In every shadow of the other men I've met, I still hope to see traces of you within them. And I find none. None at all. I am told by my friends that perhaps I am too fussy, perhaps I should just drop this infinite hope and deep longing I harbour for you. Because of you, I've wasted no time with other men I saw no progress with. The need to find you in those men I've met have only made me ghost from them halfway, like you did. Just like you did. Poof, vanished. This, I did not even realize until my friend questioned me of my frequent rejections after getting to know those men halfway. 

It was only a month back, when I met this boy on this dating app. This boy, this man who I feel, is the male doppelganger of me. I saw everything I yearned in a man in him. The connection we shared with each other was as surreal — it was amazing how much we connected. Like the constellations of the stars, joined together to reveal such a masterpiece. I felt that with you. I felt extremely great and empowered with you. You were like a musical box, the moment I opened the lid your stories flowed and I ached for you. The stories you have shared. You told me you were cheated of a 5 years relationship, and how it resulted you to be so clinically depressed. How, today, you still suffer from insomnia. How you keep awake all night battling your inner demons. My heart ached to be of security and comfort for you, even when my own heart still creaked from the past romance I had. You were different, so very different from all the other man I've met online. I remember how much I love how we could talk for hours and hours about everything and anything because we were so, very alike. It was getting dreamy again, as I thought about how I was finally able to open up to a person I could envision a future with. I was surrounded with the music that you played, those beautiful notes plucked from your circuit. How at home I felt around you. I was happy, I was overjoyed.

But just had to, you just had to leave. Just like how my dreamy Korean soulmate did, just like how I've abandoned my other contacts. You left me in drapes of pain and extreme disappointment. 

The music stopped playing since you left. The beautiful sounds, the cheery notes I anticipated for each day stopped. But I am still reminded of you from the songs played on the radio, even though you're no longer here. Even though you no longer play for me. It has been awhile, but now, I wish for your return more than I wish for my Korean boy to return. I have missed you each day since you ghosted from my life, leaving me cold and lost once more. And yet that hasn't stopped me from wishing, deep down that we'd cross paths again in the future. 

Second thoughts have held me at wondering whether it's karma? For me to be deserted by those I cherish, like how I've forsaken the rest of the men I crossed path with. Or am I just plain unlucky? I feel like I've never felt true love. But I still believe in God and His plans, for I know He knows better and what's truly best for me. I believe that one day, a man will stop at my direction and for once, will be the one I'm meant to share my life with. I wouldn't need to try hard to impress myself to fit into another person's liking. I shall be myself and promise to never settle for anything less just for the sake of having another shot at genuine love. Or just for the sake of being in a relationship again. 

 I don't know how love is, but I choose to wait and let God do His wonders on me.

Written for Anonymous, A.S

'S'

Your words still give me jitters in the silly place. Your dumb wit face is still stuck in my head. If it’s meant to be between us, we will cross paths. It may take years or never, but I believe in God’s plans. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

I may sound stupid for still wanting to hold on to something that may not likely to happen at all. But the things that happened between us, seems so scripted, making it hard for me to get over it. I may or may not cross path with you in the near future, but from meeting you did I know, that there will be someone whom I can truly be myself with and need not pretend or impress. Even though it was short, thank you for teaching me that I don’t need to be someone that I am not, that I unconsciously love to make people smile and that for everything that we do, should we have God in our heart. Singapore isn’t a big place and you may not feel what I am feeling about you. But I believe that whatever it is, God has His reason to allow us to cross paths.

Things may be difficult on your side and I hope that the intake for your prescriptions has been lowered down. I pray that you will be able to sleep at night and your insomnia won’t get the best out of you. I also wish that your devotion to Allah s.w.t will remain strong like it always has and may that be a learning point for me. I hope that you do your prayers religiously like you always have and read the news right early in the morning like a routine. I hope that you won’t be very choosy with your food anymore and continue to eat well, sweet pie.

Sent by Anonymous, A.S

COLOURS

missing you is blue.

like the top i'm wearing, 

the pen i'm holding,

the book i'm reading and 

the ink i'm using.

a blue that i can't describe whether is it pleasant-looking or awfully twisted.

a blue that i can't even describe its hues.

is it more of yellowish? or greenish? 

is it more of vibrant? or muted?

i can't describe. but i feel it. and i see it.

it looks ugly at first. hideous, even.

a colour you want to hide behind the darkest corner in your closet.

a colour you feel repulsed to even look at.

a colour that no artist would use in their work.

a colour that everyone overlooks.

this blue shows my weakness. 

my weakness that i crave you in so many ways i can't put it into words and you would never understand. 

my weakness that whenever i look at you,  my pupils dilate and i smile so wide my face looks like it's going to split into two.

my weakness that no matter how you try to push me away but i keep coming back.

and i try, and try, and try, and try, to convince myself this colour is part of me.

then it looks beautiful.

a colour nobody wants to look at, except me.

a colour nobody wants to use, except me.

a colour nobody understands more than me.

a colour that speaks volume of how much of my love for you it contains that nobody can hear.

i miss you.

i miss your eyes. 

those eyes that crinkle at the corners when you smile whenever i do something silly.

those eyes that told me so much about you that you yourself will never even mention about to me.

those eyes that are like an abyss, a whirlpool, a black hole—whatever you call it that sucks someone in entirely—and that i never want to stop falling.

those eyes that i look into and i know i'm home.

i miss your smile. 

the smile so wide that only i got the privilege of seeing. 

the smile that makes my rotten day bloom like beautiful sunflowers whenever i see it.

the smile that makes me smile even when you aren't even in front of me. (like now)

the smile that even the sun tells me he is envious that someone is shining brighter than he is.

i miss your lips.

the lips i always lean forward to peck ever so gently involunteerily—on the escalator, in the cinema, in the lift, by the stairs, in the queue, everywhere just because i can never get enough of you.

the lips that are always so gentle against my skin.

the lips that i don't mind kissing all day.

i miss your voice.

the voice that i wake up automatically to when i doze off on your shoulder in the mrt.

the voice that makes my day whenever you call.

the voice that i am oh-so-familiar with.

the one and only voice i want to associate with home.

i miss you. i really do. i miss the colours you inject into my life when you hug me, when you touch me, when you talk to me, when you laugh at me.

you said, "my life was black and white and when you hug me, i see colours." but now you are the one stripping me of my colours.

come back to me, my rainbow. 

your existence in my life is the best worst thing that ever happened to me. 

the colours you brought me were so vibrant no words can describe. 

i don't like how you are stretching the rainbow like a rubber band now. waiting for it to snap. waiting for me to leave.

come back. bring the colours you took away with you back to me.

i miss you, my number wan. i do.

Sent by Jolene 

STORY ABOUT MY LIFE

"i love you, take care!"
i felt her lips leaving mine and her arms unclasping from my waist—
it was the usual for us, a routine each time before we go 

i watched her tap her ezlink-card and walked the opposite direction 
that girl, she drives me nuts, and yet she loves me almost as much as my mother does 

ah yes—my mother, the most loving and understanding person in my eyes 
i am no rich man's son, but I sure am the product of two meritorious people who have showered me with unconditional love and support over the years

i'd consider myself lucky—to be granted my family, her, and great friends with humor that makes life a tad bit bearable 

but I still can't shake this feeling off me
it almost feels like it's latched on me for so long 

the sadness I feel, it feels so relentless,

and i don't know how, or i just can't seem make it go away

 my world is crumbling as each day passes,

and i'm doing nothing but watch it fall apart 

my reality is coming at pace so quick— 
the grave realization that I've to put myself first is now more crucial than ever

my life, as of now, mostly seems to be spiraling downwards
i seem to enjoy the darkest of night skies, perhaps because  it corresponds to that of my 
reality— faint of hope, brimmed with gloominess

the night sky is dark, and i reckon, is as dark as the coming days

how ironic it is, to be serving the nation — saving a country? 
i could barely save myself from my own demise 

sometimes it just gets too much for me to bear,

but i truly hate to worry any of those i love

life's a bag of kicks and pins, meant to bury me underground
the heavier the baggage of burden life gives me, the higher the desire to escape and hide forever 

but i know— i know that the more i run,

the faster they'll catch up to me 

looking at the way my life is going, i feel ever so strongly that my future is painted bleak 

Written for Anonymous, A.H

JENGA TOWERS

taking care of myself is like playing a tower of Jenga,

I give so many people several parts of me,

but the more they take,

the more I topple to the ground,

the more I have to keep rebuilding myself

— just to give myself away again.

Written by A

THE HEART'S ODYSSEY

the heart's odyssey is like a ship's voyage

during heavy storms, the ship fights to remain virtuous, similarly, the heart struggles to remain collected 

— the heavy storms, metaphoric for a lover's tormenting love 

the storms are terrible, they are malicious, merciless and a colossal menace 

the sea, once a friend, becomes a foe

like a lover, once loved, now deeply agonized 

the voyage continues to go across dauntlessly

the heart's odyssey battles to stay intact to go across the sea 

corny, like a lover would heave, "I'd cross oceans for you" 

yet it is all too alike 

no matter the determination, if the opposing force remains its brutality, it will all be sheer wreckage 

the ship will be tossed and broken

the heart will be tossed and mutilated 

both gasping for air to breathe with the intent to live to see another day

but the sea only commands a final wave of destruction

just like how a lover would send a multitude of

knives 

to the heart 

until it can no longer bear to endure 

all will break 

the mighty ship will drown 

the surrendered heart will sink into the bottomless pit 

of nothing —

but excruciating pain

and endless torture 

Written by A 

WORDS: THE MOST BRUTAL WEAPON OF ALL

You've felt that too, haven't you? The laden weight a person can leave you emotionally. How his or her words have knocked you off your hinges of sanity. 

Before this you'd never have known how much words could hurt. I understood it then, how stinging a tongue lash could be to the heart — one even more severe than the stinging a swarm of wasps could deliver.

Those words that left his mouth, from that same lips you've always yearned to taste — has become so haunting to you. That mental torture that lingers in your head you just can't rid off. 

How did she, someone you expected to be different than the rest, spiked you the same way? Who started off with words that soothed your emotional ache, and then words that serve to only poison you eternally? 

Because believe me, you're not the only person who's gone through that. I have, too.

 Written for Anonymous  

DEVOID OF HOPE

i'm far away from home as each day passes,

it feels like days are long fractions of time i can't wait to end

the night sky is a beau — but it beckons of broken dreams and hope for anew

the sun never rose in my world

any glimmer nor ray, perpetually absent from sight

each passing second a torment — the further i sail away from home

hope, my friend, is a prison for all

Written by A

TO THE BOY I USED TO ADORE.

i hope you find someone — who is not me, no doubt — who fits in your description of your dream girl: someone who dresses like hayley williams, someone who is quirky.

you're a space nerd, you love the space, the solar system, everything. i hope you find someone who loves them as much and can keep you talking about it, for you are someone who doesn't talk a lot. when she does that, you know she's the one.

i hope you find someone — who, hopefully, isn't like me — clingy, overly attached and needy. you said it yourself that needy behaviour is a huge turn off. 

i hope you find someone who don't mind sitting down with you for hours, listen to you talk about your past, your family, your mental illness and your ex-girlfriends. someone who wouldn't judge you no matter what you tell her, someone who understands your pain.

i hope you find someone who would bring you to east coast to grab the stingray you like on my behalf, for i'm unable to do so. someone who can deal with your weird and sudden cravings, like unagi pineapple rice at 12am.

i hope you find someone who supports your ambition, no matter how crazy it sounds at first because she knows you can do it if you put your heart to it.

i hope you find someone who knows you love gaming and would do nothing to stop you from doing so. 

i hope you find someone who would be there when you need a bigass hug or an insanely innocent cuddle. someone who knows you can sleep through a movie or anything with bright lights and noise because you feel safer this way.

i hope you find someone who would — like me — remind you to stay hydrated, eat your meals, sleep early, drink lesser at zouk or luxi (because it's bad for your liver) and smoke less as well though you can't wait to die. someone who don't mind sounding naggy or like your mom friend just because it's good for you. someone who would turn your negativity to positivity, changing your perspective on life.

i hope you find someone who knows you are facinated by all sorts of stuff. someone who finds your knowledge amazing.

i hope you find someone whom you can spend your april 12's with instead of letting you stay at home and sleep your birthday away. someone who constantly reminds you of how important you are to her. someone who reminds you that you look pretty good in anything, so you don't feel self-conscious.

i hope you find someone who don't mind staring at you  doing nothing all day and still find you pretty amazing. someone who would stare at you with such intensity when you talk because the way you talk makes even the worst student in class want to listen.

i hope you find someone who knows not to play jess glynne when you come home drunk, because she knows you'll start drunk crying. and it definitely would be something that would break her heart.

i hope you find someone who would remember not to buy beer for you because you dislike it. or coffee. you don't drink coffee. because you dislike the taste since young.

i hope you find someone who knows what you are looking for just by looking at what you look at and would help keep a look out for you too. for now, you're looking for a bomber jacket that goes with the ridiculous pants your friends pressurized you to buy which you have no idea how you got into buying it. you also just lost your cap at home, which i have no idea how, but you're looking for it too. someone who knows you only dress in dark colours so she wouldn't buy shirt of hideous colour schemes.

i hope you find someone who loves dogs as much as you do and knows that you don't want to get attached to those at your dad's side because you don't know when they will leave you.

i just hope you find someone who fits you like a puzzle. someone who understands you, someone who loves you wholeheartedly even though you had already forgotten how was it like to be loved.

Sent by The Lolene, 12:53AM

LOVE.

once upon a time,

i was never a strong believer of selfless love

once upon a time,

i was all that mattered to me

once upon a time,

you never came into my life

but you have — and you have made beamed in the brightest way possible

but you have — and you were only meant to wreck me whole

but you have — and i do not regret ever loving you, not once, never at all

i always yearned to be of worth to you — i fought endlessly for you

i fought the tsunami in my eyes when you caused a downpour in my world countless

i fought the waves of daggers aimed at my heart each time you proved that i will never be her.

i gave you pieces of me whilst i saved none for myself, but you never once truly acknowledged the love i harbored for you — you never did. all you ever saw was someone else. 

not me, not me, not me.

i loved you for a long time but you were only in love with the idea of me, and that has made all the difference between me and you. you drew a distinct line in our relationship. the fact is, you never once did loved me. you loved what i provided you with, you loved my convenience, you loved how i was simply there for you no matter the hell you put me through. but you have never, ever loved me for me.

the day i despised and feared eventually came — you told me you loved me no more. 

how could you? how dare you? were all my sacrifices worth nothing in your eyes?

i loved you, and for a long time i was sure nobody could ever love you the way i do. 

you lifted my sorrows, but had i known you were storing them to give me an abundance of it in the future — i should have never let you in.

and yet i thank you, for showing me how disastrous and wonderful love can be.

being with you was the most painful thing i've ever allowed myself to, and yet you made me the happiest spirit alive. i have lost myself while loving you, but i will never once regret doing so much for you,

just to see you alive.

Written for Anonymous, C.S

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