To my ex

I would have died for you. I loved you till my heart broke. I loved like I knew no boundaries. 

I loved you even as you broke my heart time and time again. I felt so much for you. I gave you so much to remember. I gave you so many chances. I loved you wholeheartedly. I loved you and I never felt a love so painful and taxing.

I loved you till I couldn't breathe another moment.

But all I have given you was never enough for you. I kept one thing dignified, I did all I could not to let you have it. It landed us in occasional fights. You said I wasn't enough. You said I didn't loved you enough. You said I was selfish. You said you were better off without me. You said you regretted having us. You called me names, you tossed me aside, you disrespected my time, you abandoned me many nights I needed you, you were many violent thoughts in my head. You took me for granted. You thought I would always be there.

And yet I still forgave you, just like the other times you forgave me for needing too much reassurance, for needing your attention and support, for pushing you too hard into thinking about and for the future, for jumping too fast into conclusions, and for crying a lot too many nights and resorting to harming myself each time you let my heart down.

I have swore many times that you will remember me, that nobody will put up with you and love you as much as I have when you had nothing. I told you nobody can surpass all my sacrifices for you over the years we were together. I told you nobody was going to treat you so right like I have.

But I wasn't right for you. You told me you needn't all the luxuries I brought you. You said all you needed was that one same thing and you will be so happy.

That one same thing I couldn't give.

The one same thing that broke you apart--that broke us apart in the end.

The one same thing that remained our downfall.

If you truly loved me, you would have waited. You wouldn't love me halfheartedly. You wouldn't have left me so many times I needed you. You wouldn't have allowed me to chase you more than you did for me. You wouldn't have insulted me so many times. You would have remained as loving, patient, mature and caring as you are on your good days. You wouldn't have allowed your selfish desires and insecurities get the worst out of you. You would have looked forward to having my hand in marriage. You would have defended my name in my absence. You would have, but you did not.

Still I loved you and I carried the heaviest of hearts the night I let you go.

I hoped you were going to finally realize what you had now that she's gone. I allowed you to grief and beg for me to return. You tried convincing me of such and such, how you'd treat me like a true princess and whatnot. I let you spend a little more time with me so you wouldn't miss me too much afterwards. I would be lying if I said I had stopped loving you then. I saw all your efforts. I saw how hard you were trying to win my heart back. But I knew better to know those were transient. You have had done the same when we had our first official break up too. That day I looked you dead in the eye when you asked whether I still loved you. That night I gave in just because you cried your eyes out.

How silly of it to think that I was suddenly responsible in mending your heart for all the harsh things I have said to you when we first broke up. I called you stupid. I said you'll never be as good as me. I insulted you and your friends and your lifestyles. I said we are not meant to be because our lifestyles clashed with each other too much. We were from two different worlds. I said I stooped down for you. You flipped the table and I was at your beck and call.

I took it all in and treated you much better to compensate for it all. I cooked for you, I fetched you back and forth home and work, I spent many nights with you, extended long hours with you even when I had other important commitments. I put your needs way ahead of mine. 

Then suddenly I had to take care of your addiction to this substance you depended on during our break up. I had to put up with all the verbal abuse. I had to put up with all your bad days and bipolar emotions. I had to apologize too many times even when I wasn't in the wrong. I had to give you too many parts of me that I felt were going to be extinct.

When the good was good, it was extremely good. Same for the bad moments. We had too many extreme highs and lows. We weren't ever consistent. My love for you was always, easily seen to surpass yours. Despite whatever your friends have advised you to treat me better, it fell on deaf ears.

You weren't ready for me. You weren't ready for us.

It took me long enough to truly forgive you. I was bitter. I hated you to bits.

I hated every part of you. I spat on all your friends who were just a flock of sheep. 

Today I'm better. I'm over you. You left me full of scars, but also many learning experiences.  I had to keep rebuilding myself up from scratch from all you've taken from me. You taught me to love myself a little more, believed in myself a little more, my independence, my reduced naivety and the need to reserve my love for those I truly deem worth it. Someone who isn't halfway out the door, someone who takes me serious, someone who sees an actual future with me, someone who truly appreciates me as a whole and truly know how much of a gem I am in actuality. You taught me my true worth. 

Thank you, and no thanks to you too.

I hope someone better comes along and pick it up from where I left.

I hope you've learned your lesson. 

I hope you're better now.